a love letter to bad habits

here's an alternative approach to new year's resolutions

dear dopamine,

(of the “quick-hit-chemically-enhanced-artificially-pleasurable-digitally-distracting-and-overall-not-great-for-my-health-in-the-long-run” variety)

thank you.

thank you for the creature comfort. for the short, but sweet blanket of safety you’ve provided me. thank you for the escape. thank you for the luxury of cellular satisfaction.

thank you.

i tell myself that i’m leaving you behind. 2024 is here which means i join the ranks of the self improvers and firmly decide to move away from my undoubtedly toxic relationship with you — and into net-positive practices like exercise, journaling, hydration by the gallon, and finally sitting down to learn piano or guitar or sign language.

i say to myself ‘this is the year i intentionally step into my life and become the protagonist of my conscious experience.’

this, of course, will prevent me from enjoying your deliciously numbing reprieve from the grating harshness of the real world.

but i wanted to share with you, as openly as i can, how grateful i am for you.

you’re a hot shower in a world of cold exposure and its “life-changing benefits.”

you’re a banquet of comfort food when fasting becomes more consistent than intermittent.

you’re a breath of pain-relieving fumes when there’s just too much oxygen in the room and i start to hyperventilate.

and while we certainly have to take a step back so i can

• focus on meaningful creative work

• prioritize building new skills + relationships

• replace my tendencies for distraction and comfort seeking with conscious engagement in the real world

i’ll never forget the moments we shared.

social media influencers tell me i need to be stronger. i need more discipline. i need to carry the boats. and so on.

but as my instagram and tiktok feeds attempt to overwhelm me with shame and guilt and disgust, i refuse to look down on what we had.

i refuse to pursue this path of character creation from a place of self hatred.

i can move forward into meaningful change while acknowledging the value of our long standing relationship. in a weird way, i can be thankful for our comfortable codependence and how much we needed each other — without looking down on myself or you.

transformation comes from accepting the past — and even in the moments where it got dark and isolating and i was imprisoned in pleasure — i’m grateful for all of it.

thank you for showing me the dead end. thank you for your patience as i gradually realized the deep meaning i yearn for does not lie in chronic consumption but in contribution.

as i grow away from you now, i should remind you that we’ll never truly part. there will never be a time where i’ve forgotten you completely.

the path of contribution will be challenging. that’s why it’s inherently meaningful. and in moments of temporary exhaustion, when i’m presented with a challenge i’ve yet to overcome, i’ll consider sinking back into the soft forgetfulness and sweet nothings of our consumptive bond.

there may be times where we meet again in this way.

but in the early mornings when i remember my protagonist purpose, i’ll rise from the heavy slumber you protect me with. and as i pack my bags and once again depart from your dark apartment, i’ll still carry you with me. i’ll still remember the delirious dream you keep me wrapped in so i can remain sleeping for 5 minutes / 5 hours / 5 days / 5 weeks / 5 months. thanks for always letting me hit snooze.

i hold no ill will towards you. i recognize you as medicine. you’re not the medicine i need, but you are the one i turned to — and for what it’s worth — you worked. you worked too damn well. it’s when the temporary relief becomes constant dependence that we have to move on. the both of us.

we had a good run, didn’t we?

i hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but i love you. truly, i mean it.

you are all the parts of me that are hopelessly, vulnerably human. you’re my biological blind spots. you’re the parts of my brain that evolved to survive, that kept me and my ancestors alive for millennia. you’re adaptive, elemental, fundamentally insatiable. your primal power is equally destructive and elegant. you’re older than words and culture and pushups and atomic habits. you’re reptilian (in the best way possible.) you are me and everyone who came before me. thanks for the appetite.

it’s only now, after all these years, that i realize you’re not the enemy.

you’re my shadow.

and while i can snip you away from my conscious mind as i allocate my attention towards working out, and writing, and cooking whole foods, and reading dostoevsky, and venturing out into the great unknown, you’re always with me. you’re right behind me every step of the way, in that odd patch of light i cannot see.

i’m grateful to have you on my back.

sincerely,

your one-time, gracious host

P.S.

go easy on the cravings please. i have plenty of effective tools to navigate these moments of deep desire (like this one creator dude who helps me replace cheap pleasure seeking with meaningful engagement in the real world) but i’m still a biological being. have a heart if you can.

wishing you nothing but the best in all the future nervous systems you inhabit.

i’m sure i’ll catch you in a moment of weakness, only to say goodbye once again.

love you

---

Thanks for reading team.

I hope you have a safe, rewarding, narratively significant finale to your 2023.

I truly appreciate you being here. It’s a pleasure to be able to share helpful words with you online. This next year is going to be a good one for us.

Onward and upward

-josh